Have you ever seen an advertisement for a vacation destination and thought to yourself “Wow… Who would want to spend their hard-earned dollars and precious time on this?” It seems that the vast majority of holiday dwellings offer the same cookie-cutter variety of fun – older photoshopped people engaged in PG13 activities or younger more photoshopped people doing the same things but with booze in their hands which is supposed to imply R-rated debauchery. Somehow, in these pictures, even college students look like all they do is dine and antique shop during the day and foray into missionary sex at night. What if this isn’t your idea of fun?
If this type of “vanilla” furlough isn’t your cup of tea, then consider picking a destination from one of the following kinktastic options.
1. Kaklauttanen Arctic Resort in Finland is equally attractive to voyeurs and exhibitionists alike. Glass igloo roofs offer fantastic views of guests to the curious parties while comfy suites allow for all sorts of sexyness to take place inside. What about the thrill of being caught spying? Well, as an extra nerve-tickling experience voyeurs need to watch out for packs of hungry wolves while avoiding hypothermia. Fine holiday fun!
2. The Boot hotel in Nelson, New Zealand is an attractive choice for foot fetishists. The boot itself was said to be brought in by Gulliver from his travels in the land of the giants. Later on it was briefly occupied by some old woman who had a bunch of children. The woman was evicted and sent to jail for beating the poor malnourished kids, and the property stood abandoned for awhile. Rebuilt into a stylish hotel now the structure still smells like the foot of the giant – its original owner. While some find the smell unpleasant, foot fetishists flock to this place from around the world for an unparalleled experience.
3. Have you ever fantasized about crashing your plane on a deserted island with an attractive stranger? Well, now your fantasy can come true at the Costa Verde hotel in Costa Rica. After the check in procedure you and your partner will be left alone for a week to live off the land. Activities include fighting monkeys for food and building a life raft. If your fantasy has room for a little adventure, the staff will also leave a bag of motherf***ing snakes in the plane for you to play with.
4. Whether they sparkle or burn, mass media agrees on one thing about vampires. If you wanna have hot unprotected sex with someone, vampires are a way to go. Sterile and apparently immune to STDs vampires make excellent sexual partners. They favor going down on menstruating women thus turning sex into a fun snacktivity. Unfortunately vampires are a little bit difficult to meet these days, but the accommodations at Propeller Island hotel lead us to believe that they may have a connect. This destination is excellent for ladies with a heavy flow.
5) The most romantic movie of the year “50 Shades of Gray” has really opened up the eyes of many people to the wonderful world of BDSM. Unfortunately not all of us can afford to build a play room in our own houses. Have you tried building a dungeon on a 150 sq. foot “cozy” 2 bedroom in Williamsburg that you share with a roommate? It’s quite a challenge. Also if your landlord finds out, they’ll probably raise the rent since the value of the apartment has greatly increased now. But fret not, 1763 Hotel in Atlanta can give you and your friends a vacation of your dreams (Jamie Dornan not included)
6) Dog Bark Park Inn in Idaho is a great choice if you are into furry fandom. Misunderstood by many, furries often get turned away from accommodations due to hotels’ strict “No Pets Allowed” policies. At Dog Bark Park Inn though furries can feel right at home. Owners of the hotel just ask that you use bathrooms instead of flower beds for your urination needs.
7) Do you like lumpy mattresses, possible lice infestations, and someone yelling in your ear about how worthless you are? It sounds like you have a military fetish! Sleep in a metal cot, once inhabited by the vilest of Soviet criminals, and drunkest of Soviet sailors as recently as 1997 at Karosta Prison and live out all of your fantasies of being disciplined by the perfectly polished, sadistic Soviet guards.
9) Do you like rope play, love being suspended in strange positions feet off the ground? How about being suspended thousands of feet off the ground by a parachute after being hurled, naked out of a plane streaking through the air? The playmates have done it, you deserve to do it to! I’m sure you can convince one of the professional sky divers to take it to the next level so you can both join the VIP section of the mile high club.
10) Fans of pony play, we have a place for you as well. Pony Island Motel is a perfect choice for you and your lover of equestrian persuasion. They offer rooms and stables. Just imagine riding your partner into the sunset on this beautiful island.
11) Perhaps you tend towards classic trashy. I’m not sure what the fetish for two story champagne glass hot tubs would be called, but I think it’s a kink we all can relate to. I mean who hasn’t had that fantasy right? If you want to soak in this delightfully tacky centerpiece, look no further than the Pocono Palace. Bonus feature, none of the bedrooms have windows!
12) Dirty toenails, braided pubic hair and more await you at the Free Spirit Spheres ecosexual haven. These swinging spheres are perfect for the most natural union and if you are interested in expanding your clan, you can mix and mingle with other lovers of Mother Nature at the shared common baths, or the compost toilet!
13) This list wouldn’t be complete with out a touch of Jason on this freaky Friday the 13th, and hey, what’s more frightening than a weekend in New Jersey? Blairstown, NJ Hope, NJ and Camp NoBeBoSco in Hardwick Township, NJ all hold haunted relics lying in wait for you.
Whatever your fetish may be, there is a destination out there for you so don’t wait and book your kinky vacation today!
Written in conjunction with Naomi Rutledge.